


An Exploration of Pain

by WhatAmIDoingWithMyLife55



Category: RWBY
Genre: Angst, Canonical Character Death, Dissociative Identity Disorder, Graphic Description, Hurt No Comfort, M/M, Past Abuse, Past Character Death, Spoilers: Volume 7 (RWBY), Spoilers: Volume 8 (RWBY)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-09
Updated: 2020-12-09
Packaged: 2021-03-10 09:29:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 867
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27968345
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WhatAmIDoingWithMyLife55/pseuds/WhatAmIDoingWithMyLife55
Summary: Everything was too much. Too bright, too loud, too painful. Clover stared at nothing as another tear fell.~~~~~~This is a vent fic, written by a fictive in a DID system. My name is actually Clover, and I'm an alter *based* off of the Clover in RWBY (not identical). I decided to post this to raise awareness of DID, fictives, and what pur experiences are likeside note, if you're my husband and you see this, no you dont
Relationships: Qrow Branwen/Clover Ebi
Comments: 1
Kudos: 10





	An Exploration of Pain

**Author's Note:**

> If you have no idea what DID (dissociative identity disorder) is, I reccomend you read about systems and fictives. This is a disorder that we have to spend our entire lives with.
> 
> https://www.healthyplace.com/blogs/dissociativeliving/2018/02/fictional-introjects-in-dissociative-identity-disorder

If Clover didn't know any better, he'd say he was cursed.

His life had been one gift torn away after another, and this one was the icing on the fucking cake. Losing his mom? Shitty, but manageable. Dead best friend? He's a huntsman, it happens. Abusive boyfriend? Not the best choice of his life, but he got through it. Being tossed into an alternate universe with limited memories and no one he knows? ...yeah, a great time.

His life was going perfect too. He had his dream job, an amazing bird brained boyfriend, and friends across remnant. So of-fucking-course the fates would decide to fix it by whisking him off to another reality. With no one he knows. Sharing a body with other people he's never met. Then of course, there's the whole "your reality is a TV show" thing. 

Now, four months later, and he's waiting for the other shoe to drop. He's getting comfortable again. He has a new boyfriend (who is also Qrow? There's more than one, somehow?) who is absolutely perfect in every way. He has a hoard of adopted children, multiple Ruby's and Oscar's and Nora's, all looking up to Qrow and him. He has his friends back, both the Ace Ops and his team from Atlas Academy. When is it going to go wrong again?

Every night, the memories of him dying run through his head 

_(run through him like harbinger)_

Memories of losing his arm 

_(it hurts, it hurts, please make it stop)_

being used as a grimm chew toy, a thrown beer bottle, so many scars that he carried with him. Why couldn't they have stayed in the other universe? Why did he have to die? Why did the gods hate him so much?

He knows when it's going to go wrong. Two years. In two years, he has plans to go south, to see (his now husband), Qrow Ebi, in person. It won't be like before. They don't look the same, they share bodies with others, they live thousands of kilometers apart, but they'll be able to hold each other again. For a short amount of time, they'll be together. Every day, he counts down to that moment. But as much as he longs to fast forward to that time, he knows the universe won't let him stay happy. It never does. 

Last time he was happy with Qrow, he died. 

He can still feel the way the blade slid against his ribs.

_(please Qrow, it hurts, I'm scared-_

_"Good luck"_

_please don't let me go-)_

He looked into his boyfriend's eyes, and chose to betray him. 

_("Why couldn't you do what's right, instead of the thing you were told?")_

He chose his duty over his love, and Qrow paid the price for it.

_(you're not cursed, angel, I promise. It was my fault)_

And the last thing he heard was the love of his life crying.

**( _my fault, my fault, my fault-)_**

It's always his fault.

_("It's always your fault, idiot!")_

It was his fault when his best friend and first love died.

_("Cane, Cane please stay with me- you're okay, you're going to be okay")_

Cane took a hit for him. A hit he should have seen coming.

_("Clover oh my gods-"_

_"Someone get medical here, now!")_

The rest of the school knew it too. He messed up.

_(Cane died and all you got were scratches)_

Lucky him, huh?

_("Lucky you")_

Everyone in his life has been telling him that. 

Why does his semblance even matter?

_("You're my good luck charm, handsome")_

He knows that his semblance is a gift, but he wishes he could get rid of it. It would be so much easier to have Qrow's. Not having to worry about people using him and throwing him away like an old tissue. Not having every little bit of success he made to be brushed off as his semblance. All his semblance has done is kept him alive long enough to get hurt again. And again. And again.

_(And again and again and again-)_

Why does it always come back to his death? 

To think, he spent most of his life eagerly awaiting death, and yet, when it came, he was terrified.

_(please, I don't want to go, not now- not when I'm finally happy)_

The years he spent huddled under covers, praying to the gods to let him pass, forgotten in an instant. All he wanted was to hold his lover and reassure him. Reassure him that he wasn't going to be alone again

_(but he was, wasn't he? and it was my fault)_

Months later, watching it on TV, Clover would cry himself to sleep.

Qrow, screaming at the sky, holding a still warm body

_(that's my fault)_

Qrow, sitting in a jail cell, framed for the murder of his partner 

_(I hate seeing you like this)_

Qrow, staring at Clovers pin covered in blood

_(I dropped my pin?)_

Qrow, vowing to avenge Clovers death

_(please don't spill any more blood for me)_

Clover, crying as he writes out the things his heart yearns for. Crying, as his husband tries to convince him that he deserves love. Crying, because he knows he doesn't. 


End file.
